March 11, 2008

New Rules: Vatican Style!

So a few days ago the Catholic Emperor... I mean Pope decided that the list of sins was simply not good enough for todays society. But what does this mean for our poor Christian youth struggling to live a Christ-like existence. Well firstly, you can stop rolling that joint right now if you know what's good for you... and don't even think about taking that Advil for your headache. Drugs are big no-no in this brave new Heaven. But I'm curious if this new ban on drugs extends to only drugs that each specific nation has deemed "illegal" or does it mean that old grandma can't take her Alzheimer's medication. If she can't take her pills she might forget it's a sin to take them! Not to mention caffeine and nicotine are drugs. Should I put down my soda and cigarette?

Lucky for me I already recycle, because if I didn't I might be on a one way trip to hell! (That's a trip as in a journey, not the kinda trip I'm no longer allowed to have thanks to these new rules.) Morally dubious acts such as stem cell research are no longer allowed either. I'm starting to think that this new Pope just hates the idea of medical treatment. Must have had a bad colonoscopy... perhaps the doctor left something up there!

Birth control is now a sin. So I wonder what a poor married couple is to do if they just don't want any more kids. Does this new sin include condoms, pills, IUDs, and birth control surgery? Eek! I simply cannot believe how much the church is against sex!!! Even holy marital sex isn't allowed if it isn't meant to make a baby.

The last three sins can all be grouped together; contributing to widen the divide between the rich and the poor, excessive wealth, and creating poverty. So finally George W. Bush is now going to hell for sure! Now I wonder, does the sin of excessive wealth include the Pope's giant hat?

The sins themselves are all bullshit because of what they are all meant to do, which is to creat a list of sins that blankets an entire society, even the world. No longer is it good enough to point out a person's individual sins but now you are sinning simply by contributing to a society. The US, UK, Germany, France, Turkey, Italy, Russia, Mexico, Canada and pretty much every single country in the world is currently breaking every single one of these new social sins. Is this finally proof that we all truely are going to hell? All I can say is that the late Reverend Jerry Falwell's journey to heaven is gonna be a photo finish!